Tuesday, April 30, 2013

What's on my heart....


For some reason today, I have just had a peace in my heart I cannot explain.
It may have something to do with the book I am reading or the music I have been listening to or maybe even my prayer time lately. I don't know, but for some reason, especially this afternoon, after lunch, I had this peace about me. It wasn't even noticable at first, until I started to drive home and I realized that honking horns and the hustle and bustle of life around me, was disturbing that peace. Then I CHOSE to push all the distracting things happening around me, out of my head and hold onto that peace I was experiencing.
I am currently reading "Bad Childhood -- Good Life" by Dr. Laura S. A very good book, even for those who have had a relatively good childhood. It has opened my eyes about SO much. I always thought I needed "closure", whatever that ACTUALLY means, from the person who hurt me so badly when I was younger. As I am reading this book, I am realizing that closure is not them saying "I'm sorry I hurt you, will you forgive me?" It is me Letting Go of what they did to me and My Perception Of It. Granted this person is still, somewhat, in my life - So I must be able to move past my past and go on with my life, whether they do the same or not.
I know it may be viewed as a cliche, but the Serenity Prayer definitely fits here. At least it fits for me. In the way I view it to mean for me at this time in my life.
I am looking at all of the things that I have gone through, experienced, seen, and lived along side of, in my short (almost) 27  years of living. For some people, it could fill 3 lifetimes. It is amazing the life changes that happen between 17 and 27. The situations that God has allowed me to see and experience, but not necessarily be affected by. Then to see the effects of these situations on those closest to me, even years down the road. The residual ramifications that are still there 5 years later or even longer. Some people may say "5 years? Hmph. That's not a very long time." That is unless you were one of the ones effected. Time seems to drag for a little while, then one day you wake up and you realize that you are a different person. That all of the turmoil, pain, heartache, sleepless nights, emotional agony you went through...has now cultivated you into this beautiful person. A person who has OverCome. Yeah, there will be more trials and turmoil in life, but once you come out of a trial that has lasted for more than 2 years, 5 years, or even 25 years, you look back and see all the things you overcame. You look at the beautiful rose that God has unfolded you into, and you see all the life lessons you learned along the way, that you now can share with another who is traveling the path you just walked....It's amazing how God unfolds the rose (you).
I'm not sure how I got off on this tangent, but I guess I was just speaking what was on my heart.
I am by no means a wise or knowledgeable person, but I am so thankful that I can see where I've been and how it has shaped me.
The leadership of The Rock Church in Elk Grove, CA. is the best (in my opinion) in the world. I remember Pastor talking to me when I was young about what I was wearing to church one night. It wasn't exactly immodest, but it wasn't modest either. It was attention seeking. I am thankful that he cared enough to talk to me about it. It may have taken me almost 15 years to see that he cared and that his leadership is what I needed to be under, but I'm here. That's what matters right now.
I feel like I have been in recovery at TRC Hospital and I am about to be discharged. =) lol
Best feeling in the world.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Been A While.....

I can't even remember the last time I posted on here. I think it has to be right after I got married...almost 3 years ago.

I started another blog....that I cannot find for some reason. Which is actually a good thing. I started it at a very bitter time in my life, so it wasn't very positive.

I have always loved sharing my life with others, and I think this is a great way to do so. Considering Facebook has become, in my opinion, just as annoying as MySpace. Ads galore, sponsored or otherwise....I digress. =)

I always thought that blogs had to be a certain way - either vague or descriptive - black and white. Following my sister's blog, and a few others, I have figured out that it NOT the case.
Thank Goodness for me =)

I have changed, appearance-wise, A LOT. Got a little chunkier, cut my hair, etc. Well that is not all that has changed. I have changed on the inside. I have become just a teensy bit wiser with age.

At almost 27, it seems the last 5 years have been more like 15 years of life experience. Changing my perspective on SO many things.

When I look at these two pictures, I see so much difference.


I see all the trials and lessons I learned. I see the heartache and pain and the eye opening experience. I see all the people that passed away, the people who made an impact on my life.
And Then, I see who I have become. The people who are still here that are STILL making an impact on my life. I see all the results of those lessons that I learned. I see that I am no longer the bitter, angry little girl I was towards certain people in my life back then. I may still be a little girl at heart in some aspects of my life, and I am by no means a seasoned woman, but I am somewhere in between.

My hubby and I recently returned to church, after being gone for around a year. In that year, especially the last 3-4 months, was some of the most impactful times in my life. I may go into it one of these days, but there were so many things that happened, spiritually and emotionally that it would probably take 5 or more posts to get it all out.

I have been on a journey. That's about all I can say without bursting into tears. I feel like the Lord has been so merciful and gracious to me in my life. I may not be able to speak of the "fond memories" of childhood like my sister, or remember good things that I learned as a youngster, but I can look back over the years of my life and say, "That person taught me so much. I was never the same after they were in my life." I can say this about so few people, but those that I can say that about, I will NEVER forget. I can only say Thank You so much for so long, until it probably gets old - no matter how true it may all be. The same of the opposite is true, unfortunately - but, isn't that true for all of us?

I will make no promises to keep this blog up on a regular basis, but I would like to. I would like to share my life with others. Maybe my story will help someone else some day.

In Other News.....

I am on the journey to health. I have never been the type of person to make it past Day 1 of Such And Such Diet that is proclaimed to have helped people to lose 10lbs in 10 days. Although I have tried - let me tell ya. I have seen a few documentaries that I am enamored with.

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

The Gerson Miracle

Dying To Have Known

The Beautiful Truth

Forks Over Knives

Just to meet to name a few. I am by NO MEANS a vegan or vegetarian. I am just trying to become more health conscience.

I am also trying a few other things in other parts of my life. Learning Spanish (attempting), sewing, gardening, etc. That's another post for another day.