Tuesday, April 30, 2013

What's on my heart....


For some reason today, I have just had a peace in my heart I cannot explain.
It may have something to do with the book I am reading or the music I have been listening to or maybe even my prayer time lately. I don't know, but for some reason, especially this afternoon, after lunch, I had this peace about me. It wasn't even noticable at first, until I started to drive home and I realized that honking horns and the hustle and bustle of life around me, was disturbing that peace. Then I CHOSE to push all the distracting things happening around me, out of my head and hold onto that peace I was experiencing.
I am currently reading "Bad Childhood -- Good Life" by Dr. Laura S. A very good book, even for those who have had a relatively good childhood. It has opened my eyes about SO much. I always thought I needed "closure", whatever that ACTUALLY means, from the person who hurt me so badly when I was younger. As I am reading this book, I am realizing that closure is not them saying "I'm sorry I hurt you, will you forgive me?" It is me Letting Go of what they did to me and My Perception Of It. Granted this person is still, somewhat, in my life - So I must be able to move past my past and go on with my life, whether they do the same or not.
I know it may be viewed as a cliche, but the Serenity Prayer definitely fits here. At least it fits for me. In the way I view it to mean for me at this time in my life.
I am looking at all of the things that I have gone through, experienced, seen, and lived along side of, in my short (almost) 27  years of living. For some people, it could fill 3 lifetimes. It is amazing the life changes that happen between 17 and 27. The situations that God has allowed me to see and experience, but not necessarily be affected by. Then to see the effects of these situations on those closest to me, even years down the road. The residual ramifications that are still there 5 years later or even longer. Some people may say "5 years? Hmph. That's not a very long time." That is unless you were one of the ones effected. Time seems to drag for a little while, then one day you wake up and you realize that you are a different person. That all of the turmoil, pain, heartache, sleepless nights, emotional agony you went through...has now cultivated you into this beautiful person. A person who has OverCome. Yeah, there will be more trials and turmoil in life, but once you come out of a trial that has lasted for more than 2 years, 5 years, or even 25 years, you look back and see all the things you overcame. You look at the beautiful rose that God has unfolded you into, and you see all the life lessons you learned along the way, that you now can share with another who is traveling the path you just walked....It's amazing how God unfolds the rose (you).
I'm not sure how I got off on this tangent, but I guess I was just speaking what was on my heart.
I am by no means a wise or knowledgeable person, but I am so thankful that I can see where I've been and how it has shaped me.
The leadership of The Rock Church in Elk Grove, CA. is the best (in my opinion) in the world. I remember Pastor talking to me when I was young about what I was wearing to church one night. It wasn't exactly immodest, but it wasn't modest either. It was attention seeking. I am thankful that he cared enough to talk to me about it. It may have taken me almost 15 years to see that he cared and that his leadership is what I needed to be under, but I'm here. That's what matters right now.
I feel like I have been in recovery at TRC Hospital and I am about to be discharged. =) lol
Best feeling in the world.

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